Is Your Self-Talk Making It Harder to Lose Weight in Perimenopause?

Grab a piece of paper. You’re going to need it for this one.

For the last couple of months, I’ve been keeping a running list. Every time a client said something on a coaching call, every time a woman messaged me on Instagram, every time a student in the Perimenopause Weight Loss Method shared something in our group — I wrote it down.

Not what they asked me. What they said to themselves. About their bodies, their food, their ability to work out, and whether they’d ever actually figure this whole thing out.

And when I looked at the full list, something became clear: the way we talk to ourselves is making it harder to lose weight in midlife.

That’s a bold claim. But by the time you finish reading this, I think you’ll agree.

(Listen to the full conversation here on The Midlife Mom Edit podcast)

The Tally-Mark Exercise

Before I explain the why, I want you to do something. Grab a pen and paper, and make a tally mark every time a phrase below sounds familiar — something you’ve said out loud or thought to yourself.

Starting with food:

“I shouldn’t have had that.” The dessert, the extra fries, the margaritas last Friday. If you’ve ever looked back on a meal or a weekend with that familiar guilt, mark it.

“I never eat…” You’ve decided certain foods just aren’t for you. Maybe it’s vegetables, or eggs, or anything before 10am. You’ve made a blanket statement about who you are and what you eat. Mark it.

“I can’t eat breakfast.” So many women tell me this. Not hungry in the morning. Stomach not ready. Just can’t do it. Mark it if that’s you.

“I don’t like veggies.” Or you’d try to eat more, but you can’t find any you actually like. Mark it.

“I don’t want to give up my favorites.” This one usually comes down to alcohol — the nightly glass of wine, weekend cocktails, drinks at a concert. I’ve earned this. I deserve it. It’s my thing. If any version of that lives in your head, mark it.

Now workouts:

“I hate working out.” Direct and to the point. Mark it.

“I could never do that.” Weightlifting, Pilates, spin class, line dancing — anything that feels outside your comfort zone. Mark it.

“I’m not a morning person.” Which means you’ve decided you can never work out before life gets in the way. Mark it.

“I am so out of shape.” The weight of believing you’re so far behind that starting feels pointless. Mark it.

“I don’t know where to start.” There are workouts everywhere — YouTube, TikTok, streaming libraries — and you still feel lost. Mark it.

And finally, your overall healthy lifestyle:

“Nothing ever works for me.” Or: “No matter what I try, nothing ever works.” Mark it.

“I will never figure this out.” You’ve tried. Diets, programs, supplements, research. And somewhere along the way, you stopped believing you’re the kind of person who gets this figured out. Mark it.

“I will never have enough willpower.” Or consistency. Or discipline. Mark it.

“This is just what getting older looks like.” You’ve looked at the belly fat, the fatigue, the way you feel in your clothes — and decided this is just your life now. Mark it.

“There’s nothing I can do.” You’ve stopped looking for answers because you don’t believe an answer exists for you. Mark it.

So. How many marks do you have? Somewhere between 10 and 15 is common. Maybe more.

Before you spiral — this isn’t about shame. It’s about clarity. Because what that list is showing you is important.

Why Your Brain Keeps Talking to You This Way

These thoughts don’t show up because you’re negative or weak or broken. They show up because your brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Your brain has three jobs, and every thought it generates serves one of them.

The first job is to avoid pain — including emotional pain. Thinking about giving up your favorite foods, starting a workout when you feel out of shape, changing habits you’ve had for years — all of that feels emotionally painful. Your brain is protecting you from that pain. That’s it.

The second job is to conserve energy. Way back in our earliest days as humans, conserving energy was survival. Your brain is still wired this way. When it looks at a hard workout or a new way of eating and asks “is this going to take a lot of effort?” — and the answer is yes — it pumps the brakes. The thought “I’m so out of shape” isn’t just discouraging. It’s your brain calculating the energy cost of starting something hard and deciding to skip it.

The third job is to seek pleasure. Right now, not in three months. So when you’re at a barbecue and trying to make the “healthy choice,” your brain is scanning for what would feel better in this moment. That cold drink or the brownie from the dessert table wins — not because you lack willpower, but because your brain is doing its job.

Every phrase on your tally-mark list? It’s your brain working hard to keep you safe. The problem is that “safe” and “losing weight in perimenopause” don’t always point in the same direction.

The Gap — and How to Start Closing It

So you’re living in a gap. The gap between the woman you are right now — leaning into what your brain tells you — and the woman you want to be, who feels healthy, strong, and confident in her body.

And that gap is made, in large part, of words.

Here’s how to start closing it.

Step One: Notice the thoughts.

You started this with the tally-mark exercise. Now take it into real life. When you open the fridge. When you look at your running shoes. When you’re deciding whether to pour a second glass of wine. Notice what your brain says. That’s it — just notice. You’re not changing anything yet.

This sounds too simple to matter, but it’s not. Most women have lived with these thoughts so long they don’t register as thoughts anymore. They feel like facts. Learning to notice a thought as a thought — not as the truth — is genuinely a big deal.

Step Two: Challenge the thought.

Once you notice it, ask: Is this actually true? Do I want to keep believing this?

Take “this is just what getting older looks like.” It feels true. But is it really the only version of aging available to you? Or is it just what your aging has looked like so far?

You don’t need an answer yet. You just need to be willing to ask the question. That question opens a small crack — and that’s where the shift begins.

Step Three: Create a new thought that still feels safe.

Here’s where most women go wrong. They try to leap from one extreme to the other. “I’m not a morning person” becomes “I’m going to wake up at 4am every single day.” And of course it doesn’t stick — because your brain doesn’t believe it, and it doesn’t feel safe, so it shuts it down almost immediately.

What you need is a thought that moves you forward without sending your brain into protection mode.

So instead of “I’m not a morning person and I can’t work out before work,” try: “I wonder what it would feel like to get up early one day this week and see how it goes.”

That your brain can consider. You’re not committing to anything permanent. You’re just trying it on. And when you try it on, you gather real information. Maybe mornings aren’t for you. Maybe you surprise yourself. You won’t know until you let yourself find out.

The Bottom Line

If your brain is running on “nothing ever works for me” and “I’ll never figure this out,” the most perfectly designed nutrition plan in the world is not going to stick. The most well-intentioned workout program is not going to last. The foundation has to come first — and the foundation is learning to change the conversation in your head.

The gap between where you are and where you want to be is not evidence that something is wrong with you. It’s evidence that your brain is working hard to keep you safe. Your job is just to gently show it that what you’re reaching for — feeling healthy and strong in your body — is safe, too.

Listen to the full episode here.

And send me a DM on Instagram @theashleymalik to tell me how many tally marks you ended up with. I’d love to hear from you.