The Real Reason You Haven’t Started Strength Training (And How to Finally Begin)

It’s early in the morning and the house is still quiet. I’m standing in my basement in front of the TV with a brand new workout program queued up, an orange yoga mat that still smells like the plastic it came wrapped in, and a pair of two and a half pound dumbbells in my hands.

Within about four minutes, my arms are shaking. I glance over at the modifier, the woman on the side of the screen doing the easier version of every move, and I can’t keep up with her either. So I start modifying her moves.

I was modifying the modifier.

LISTEN TO THE FULL PODCAST EPISODE HERE:

If you know you “should” be strength training but you can’t seem to get started, I want you to know I’ve been exactly where you are. And the reason you’re stuck probably isn’t what you think.

Prefer to listen? This post is based on Episode 113 of The Midlife Mom Edit: https://ashleymalik.com/start-strength-training-over-40

Why Strength Training Matters So Much in Perimenopause

As you move through perimenopause and into menopause, your estrogen levels drop. Estrogen does a lot more for you than you probably realize. It helps protect your muscle, your bones, and how your body handles blood sugar.

So as it declines, a few things start to happen:

• You lose muscle faster than you did in your 20s and 30s
• Your bones become more fragile
• Your body gets more stubborn about where it stores fat, often right around the middle

Muscle is one of the best tools you have to push back on all of that. It helps your body use the food you eat, keeps your blood sugar steadier, and protects your bones, joints, and balance. It’s also the part of the fat loss equation that eating less will never solve. You can eat perfectly and still lose muscle along the way, which is why so many women lose weight and end up smaller but softer, and more tired than when they started.

The good news? It’s never too late. Women build muscle in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. Your body is still listening. It’s just waiting for you to give it a reason.

Why Knowing the “How” Isn’t Enough

If you go looking for help with strength training, almost every coach will drop you right into the how. Three sets of twelve. Legs on Monday, upper body on Wednesday. The perfect split for women over 40.

All of that has its place. But if knowing the how was enough, you’d already be doing it.

You’ve read the articles. You’ve saved countless Instagram posts. You may have even bought the dumbbells, and they’re sitting in the corner of your bedroom collecting dust or holding up a stack of mail.

The problem isn’t information. The problem is that every time you think about getting started, your brain hands you a really convincing reason not to.

My Years of Starts and Stops

Before strength training became a habit in my life, I was the queen of starts and stops. I’d get a burst of motivation after a rough week of feeling uncomfortable in my clothes, go online, and buy one of those $27 at-home workout plans. A PDF, a few pictures of a woman in matching workout gear, maybe a short video on form.

I’d think, this is it. This one’s going to make it easy.

I’d do it for three days. Maybe five. Then work would get busy, or my daughter would be out of school for a week, or I’d wake up late and decide to start fresh next Monday. The plan would get buried in my downloads folder right next to the last one.

And the gym? I was so intimidated by the thought of lifting weights at the gym. In my head, everyone there already knew exactly what they were doing, and I was going to walk in and look stupid. So I just didn’t go.

What I didn’t understand then was this: buying the plan felt like progress. But it was really a way for my brain to feel productive without ever doing the hard part, which was starting and sticking with it, even when I wasn’t seeing results.

The Two Layers of Resistance

There are two layers of resistance at play when you want to start strength training.

Layer one is the physical piece. It’s knowing what to do:

• How do you lift safely without hurting your back, knees, or shoulders?
• Which moves give you the shape you want?
• How do you put moves together into a workout?
• Which muscles on which days, how much rest, and how heavy?

When you don’t have those answers, you can see your goal in the distance, but you have no idea how to get there.

Layer two is the thoughts around the workout. This is the layer most women skip over. Thoughts like:

• I just don’t feel motivated today.
• I’ve been doing this for two weeks and I don’t see any difference.
• I feel silly. I can’t even do one push up.
• Everyone else gets results faster than me.

Your thoughts create your feelings, and your feelings drive what you do. When you think “I’m going to look stupid at the gym,” you feel embarrassed, so you stay home. When you think “I’m not seeing results,” you feel discouraged, so you quit.

Your Brain Is Trying to Protect You

Your brain isn’t steering you away from strength training because you’re lazy. You’re not.

Your brain is trying to protect you from looking silly, from feeling like you can’t do something, from feeling like a failure. Those are heavy feelings and they’re really hard to hold. So your brain steers you away from anything that might leave you feeling that way.

That’s what’s happening when you hear: I’m too tired today. I’ll start next week. I don’t have the right equipment. I’ll do it when the kids are back in school.

None of those reasons are really the reason. They’re your brain’s way of keeping you safe from the feeling of being bad at something.

Once you see this, you get to make a different choice. You can notice that voice and say, I see you. I know you’re trying to protect me. And I’m going to do it anyway.

What Finally Made It Stick for Me

At some point I got desperate. I was tired of starting over and tired of feeling uncomfortable in my body. So I committed to an 80 day program.

I know. That sounds bananas, and I don’t think it’s where most women should start. But at that point in my life, I needed something consistent for a long stretch, where I didn’t have to think about what came next. I promised myself I’d finish all 80 days, no matter how sore I was or how much I had to modify.

Those first weeks were awkward and humbling. I used 2.5 and 5 pound weights. I struggled with squats, lunges, and holding a plank for more than a few seconds. That’s when I realized how much I had let my body go.

This is where mindset comes in. When you’re humbled like that, you can let it confirm the story that you’re not a woman who works out. Or you can decide to believe you’ll get better by doing a little bit more every day.

I chose to believe I’d get better. And because the decision was already made, I didn’t have to make it again every morning. I came back sore. I came back feeling awkward. I kept using the lighter weights until the form felt comfortable, and then little by little, I went heavier. Today I do dumbbell curls with 20 pound weights.

Not because I found some magic program. Because I kept showing up.

The Easiest Way to Start: Short, Pre-Planned, and at Home

You don’t need to start with 80 days. You just need to start. The easiest way I know is a short, pre-planned strength training program you can do at home.

• Short means it feels doable. A 21 or 30 day program is long enough to build a habit and short enough that you can see the finish line from day one.
• Pre-planned means you don’t have to figure out the how. A professional trainer has already done the thinking. Your only job is to press play and follow along.
• At home means no excuses and no judgment. Snowing outside? Woke up late? Kids home sick? Your workout is still right there. And nobody is watching you wobble through a lunge.

Taking the audience away is how you get around that second layer of resistance. You get comfortable with the moves privately, so by the time you feel strong, you actually know what you’re doing.

Once your form feels solid, try this challenge: pick up a weight much heavier than you think you can lift, and with good form and control, try one to three reps. Notice what it feels like to surprise yourself. That’s proof.

How to Know It’s Working Before the Mirror Does

The middle is the hardest part. You’re sore, you’re showing up, and the mirror and scale haven’t budged. This is where a lot of women quit.

So measure progress differently in those early weeks. Your proof isn’t the mirror. At first, it’s the weights.

• Is the weight you’re lifting going up?
• Can you do one more rep than last week?
• Does a move that made you shake two weeks ago feel easier?
• Did you get up off the floor without that groaning noise?

That’s your body changing on the inside before you can see it on the outside. When you catch yourself thinking “this isn’t working,” try a new thought: I’m stronger than I was last week, and the rest is on its way.

Start Where You Are

The platform I’ve used for the last five years is BODi. It’s where I learned to lift safely, build muscle for the shape I wanted, and stop making excuses, because my workout is right downstairs. Now I make my own modifications because I’ve learned what makes a good program.

But I didn’t start there. Nobody starts there. I started with 2.5 pound dumbbells, modifying the modifier.

If you’re ready to get started, you can find BODi here. Pick a 21- or 30-day program, clear a little space, and press play.

And for the whole story, including the mindset shifts that got me through those first awkward weeks, listen to Episode 113 of The Midlife Mom Edit here.